Dear Spiders:
Please be advised that EVERY time I go outside and see your sticky,webby mess on my front porch, I have no other desire than to kill you. I have purchased enough RAID to make this dream a reality. Please immediately cease all living activities on or near my front door now, or suffer the consequences. I have already advised you of your impending doom. Many of your commrades have already fallen. Consider this your final notice to vacate the premises immediately, as I will have no sympathy for your deaths. And don't think for a minute that bringing more of your sadistic little friends will frighten me away from my goal. YOU. DIE. NOW.
Just because I run screaming from your numbers now does not mean that my bravery will not be greatly increased by the presence of insecticides.
Sincerely,
property management
PS When I spray the area, if you could kindly refrain from dying while dangling from a single web thread, I would greatly appreciate it. Please, where at all possible, die on the ground. This makes for less clean up.
PPS Also, this would not be happening if you had taken my previous advice and just left. Porches are no place for spiders. There is no food here.
PPPS I don't like you because you are hairy and you do creepy things. I don't like having webs on me in the morning. I really don't like how more of you magically appear at night or when I'm trying to do something on my porch
PPPPS It's MY porch! I don't care that you "live" there. If you want to sublease the space we might be able to come to an agreement. No, pest control does NOT count as "rent".
Dear Onlyme, Please let me start by apologizing for my self my species and my ancestors for anything we may have done to frighten or offend you. Its just that you have such a lovely porch, I can only speak for myself when I say its just perfect. I must say there is plenty of food, how do you think we all get so fat! And the shape of the porch is perfect too, large open spaces, solid support posts, to attach my web to, plenty of air and tasty bugs flying through. in fact there is so much food and its so easy to catch I forget that some parts of the porch have to stay open for people traffic, I do so get carried away sometimes. I know your not particularly fond of my appearance and you've expressed may times how you feel about finding my web as you walk by, but please can't we find some mutually beneficial arrangement short of chemical eradication? I promise to try very hard to remember to keep the human traffic areas open for human traffic. You do have such a lovely porch.
ReplyDeleteHappy in the son